New: Old Britney

Last night, Britney Spears attempted a comeback, performing on MTV's video awards, the name of which only serves to remind us of the days when MTV showed videos. *sniff* Excuse me, I'm getting a little verklempt...

Brit was widely panned for being out of shape, forgetting her own lyrics, having her hair weave come undone, being outperformed by her own backup dancers, and generally looking and acting as confused as we were.

But! BUT, I say! These critics simply don't get it. See, Britney could have gone out and done a rehash of her stage career as it existed through the end of 2003. A "Young Britney" moment, full of faux-lesbian makeout sessions, horny writhing across the stage, and competent vocals. But that would be living in the past. Been there, done that!

No, instead she chose the more daring route- jumping straight to the "Old Elvis" stage of her career at the ripe age of 25! She even chose to kick it off in Las Vegas, where a similarly paunchy, drugged-out King twilighted his career trying to keep his breath while belting out "In the Ghetto" in gaudy sequins. And look! Britney has gaudy sequins too! Let's make a chart, for comparison's sake.

• Flabby belly? Check! (Although Elvis didn't expose his.)


• Dazed and confused look of incomprehension? Check! (Yes Brit, we know it's called "Music Television", even if their schedule is entirely My Super Sweet 16 reruns.)


• Unkempt appearance? Check! (Although Elvis' hair was real.)


• Slumping over from exhaustion, and having to be hoisted around by helpers? (Wait, even Elvis didn't need that...)


• Driven from venue in tears by Sarah Silverman's mocking? (Elvis never let Don Rickles follow him on stage.)

Forget matching the second phase of Elvis' career, she's topped it! And while Elvis croaked soon afterwards, all signs point to decades of innovation from Ms. Spears ahead of us. Where will her bright, shining star lead us and the industry next? I can't say I know for certain, but here's a hint- look out, Natasha Lyonne, there's going to be a new girl in the sewer!

Britney Shears

Overnight, a weepy Britney Spears (fresh from a grueling hourlong stint in rehab) was videotaped harassing the staff of a tattoo parlor and confiscating the clippers from a stylist to shave her own head bald, all the while while muttering about "people touching her" and acting erratically. What "erratic" means when one is referring to Spears is anyone's guess. The girl let K-Fed stick his you-know in her hoo-ha. Did I mention the Nyquil stains all over her clothing? Well, there. I just did. It's a look!

Still, I'm glad she's found Krishna Consciousness. Hopefully her new career of handing out flowers in the airport will be much more fulfilling than any comeback attempt, and give her the structure and discipline she needs in life. Perhaps she can sit in with the Polyphonic Spree, or go into acting with "The Young Miss Kojak Mysteries" on the Family Channel. The point is, no matter what she does, it has to be an improvement.

Welcome to Rock Bottom, Brits! Population: Dustin Diamond and you.

Winds of Change

Britney finally realized K-Fed is a loser!

Alas, poor K-Fed, we hardly knew ye. Well, we knew that you sucked, that your new album was possibly the worst thing ever committed to recording since Vanilla Ice told us to send acknowledgments to our mothers, and that you were pulling poor Brit down into the black hole of career doom. But asides from that, you were a mystery. A riddle, wrapped in an enigma, covered by a sideways trucker hat that would have gotten you shot by most of the people you thought were your audience.

And now, I'd like to ask for a moment of silence in honor of K-Fed's short-lived marriage and career.

No, wait. Silence isn't enough to mourn this deep loss. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!

Goodbye Kevin Fed,
Though we never knew you at all
You had the nerve to put
Your hands in Britney's wallet (and on her goods).

And it seems to me, you lived your life
Like a no-good white trash poser
Never knowing how to sing
Or who to knock up next
And I would have liked to known you
And maybe straighten out your hat
Your money train ran out long before
Your Hollywood Squares appearances did.

Thanks, Elton. You really know how to capture a moment. Here's your fifty mil.