Completely Useless Movie Previews: Transformers- Revenge of the Fallen

After a long hiatus, I once again return with a Completely Useless Movie Preview, in which I offer my opinion on the merits of a film based solely on the evidence presented in the trailer. Thus, I present you with Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

It's a bad sign whenever your sequel contains "of the" in the title. Good sequels have phrases like, "strikes back," "Tokyo drift," or "electric boogaloo." Bad sequels always fall back on some abstract concept being done by some group you've never heard of. Revenge of the Sith. Itchiness of the Guelphs. General Malaise of the Iceni. The only exception is if the action word is "wrath." Can't go wrong with wrath.

Anyway, on to Transformers. When we last left off, Megatron was left for dead in the Laurentian Abyss, which the screenwriters confused with the Challenger Deep as the deepest void on earth. Turns out the Laurentian Abyss is only about half as deep as the Challenger Deep. Oops! If only it had been fifty percent deeper, we wouldn't be in this mess! Alas, we are. Megatron is back, and he's filled with vengeance... and this time, it's mechanical!

Meanwhile, our protagonist, Sam, having collected all of the crystal skulls by mailing in his proofs of purchase from cereal boxes, heads off to college. Unfortunately for him, his megababe girlfriend Mikaela can't afford to go, and is left at home to drape herself in erotic poses across various motorcycles. One would think she could have worked her way through school as an art model, draping herself over still lifes while majoring in cycle humping.

What's Megatron's plan? Your guess is as good as mine! It seems to involve more action figures. And probably the obsessive pursuit of the Allspark, that shiny Rubix Cube of life that sounds like a place where you'd get your muffler repaired. You'd think Megatron would have learned that it's not fun to mess with the Allspark considering that last time he did, it killed him. But I guess it didn't kill him, so lesson unlearned. We also learn that the Transformers were on earth well before the pyramids were built, which makes me wonder if, in the back of their minds, they're complaining to themselves how the neighborhood has gone downhill since.

Turns out that Megatron has help from The Fallen, the founder of the Decepticons, now trapped in another dimension. People/cars called "the Fallen" are always trapped underground or in alternate universes. (See Slayer, Buffy the and Eden, Garden of.)

You know, if you're engaged in an epic interstellar battle to colonize the universe and eliminate all organic life, you could find a better name for your organization than the Decepticons. The root of "deception" is right there in the name! And you expect earthlings to trust you? At least, all of the English-speaking ones that you keep encountering? Go for something that sounds more trustworthy. The Truthtellers. The Kitten Protectors. The 1957 Brooklyn Dodgers.

So. Is this the right movie for you? Will you feed it every day, take it on walks, and teach it right and wrong? Spay it, neuter it, and bring it to bed with you? Well, that depends. Are you into big iron testosterbots, and sweaty grease-covered eye candy draped over them? Do you find yourself aroused at Meineke? Does the very thought of the existence of Go-Bots make you shiver? If so, then I'd like to hook you up with this film. I think you'd hit it off. On my high octane scale of one through 88 stars, with 15 being the number of action figures you'll buy to reenact scenes on lonely Saturday nights for the rest of summer, I give this movie a pair of fuzzy dice, one of those beaded seat covers, and a shiny coat of Armor-all.