The March of Progress

You know those Breathe-Right nasal strips, the little rigid band-aids you apply to your nose to prevent snoring? Well, apparently that's not enough relief for some people, and so the good folks at Breathe-Right now offer a gargle that "lubricates your throat" to allow air to pass through more easily before bedtime.

Lubricated throats?! Oh brave new world, with such possibilities in it!

CSI: Whitman's Sampler Division

I want to see a crime show where the detective announces they're going to get samples from the suspect, then proceeds to pull chocolate after chocolate from the perp's mouth and match them to the shapes in a plastic mold.

"Yep, it's a match. Hazelnut."

My Friend Flica

(Jenn has discovered Survivor is a clip show this week due to baseball.)

Jenn: Nooooo!!!!
Me: That's the only way I could watch a whole episode of Survivor. If it was a Flica Flame clip show.
Jenn: Maybe they'll show clips of Flica.
Me: Yeah, but they'll probably insist on showing the other contestants, too. (Gets up and leaves.)

Pre-Election Jitters

Rush Limbaugh has accused Michael J. Fox of "faking" his Parkinson's disease to advance the cause of stem cell research.

"He is exaggerating the effects of the disease," Limbaugh told listeners today, encouraging them to go online to watch Fox's commercial, which first aired Oct. 21 in St. Louis during a World Series game. "He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act."

Having been through more than a couple bouts with unprescribed medication, Rush knows all about the shakes.

Commemorative Erection

I saw yet another ad for those 5th anniversary 9/11 commemorative coins. You know, the ones with the separating pop-up towers, that basically give your non-legal tender collectible the ability to sport an erection?

The ad boasts that the silver used in the coin came from vaults beneath the World Trade Center. If you don't act now, the limited supply of leftover plundered silver could run out, and then you'll have to settle for metals that haven't been dusted with burnt remains.

Question. Don't the original owners of the silver (or their heirs) still have a right to it? Just because the building it was in was destroyed, does the ownership of the silver automatically switch to the National Collector's Mint (not affiliated with, endorsed, or licensed by the U.S. Mint)? Or is finder's keepers, and whoever goes over it with a metal detector ("dad had one, but it wasn't like this"!) first can claim it?

What if the Starship Enterprise crashed? Would the metal from the hull belong to Starfleet, or would the Galactic Collector's Mint be able to scrap it for use in commemorative pewter models?

Triumph of the Freaks

Am I the only one who noticed that Dove is using a model with a tattoo for their latest lotion ad? As part of their Campaign for Real Beauty, they're supposedly using women who look more like everyday people made out of flesh and piercings. But is a chick with a simple, elegant Celtic tattoo centered square on her back really representative of the "freak" portion of the market?

Where are the women with those contact lenses that make your eyes look like a cat's? Where are the women with Darth Maul facial tattoos, or suspension marks on their backs? Where are the women with ornamental chains running through their labia? Do they not need moisturized? I will gladly volunteer to moisturize them should it help them break through the glass barrier of the television screen.

Question 7? What's the Question Again?

Question 7 on the Nevada ballot would legalize small amounts of marijuana for personal use. The proponents of the measure have finally cobbled together enough cash to put on a TV commercial. Unfortunately for them, they didn't bother to sober up before putting it together. Bummer!

For starters, being able to hear it would be nice. The volume is recorded so low that you can't even tell what it's about. I wouldn't have had an idea until I saw the ending, where words appeared on the screen. From what I can gather, their argument is that, um... well, there is an argument. Of that we can be somewhat sort of certain, kind of.

The first shot is of some state politician. I don't know who he is because I couldn't hear, and come on, nobody knows their state politicians. The shot is supposed to link him to Bush somehow, because in the background, about twenty feet behind the guy, is a blurry, ghostly President Bush caught in motion! Apparently this was the only shot of the two together that could be dug up. Be careful, citizens! This guy, presumably against the measure, once walked past Bush!

The second shot is a black and white photo of Osama bin Laden. The picture slowly zooms from a dot in the distance right up into your face. Agggh!!! He's totally after us! And dude, my hands are really weird looking in the black light! Remember, if you don't legalize pot, the terrorists will have won.

Next we see Yucca Mountain. We know it's Yucca Mountain because helpful text says, "Yucca Mountain". For those who don't know, Yucca is a giant slab of rock a couple hours northwest of Vegas, where the rest of the country wants to store its nuclear waste in underground caverns. Residents of Nevada tend to oppose this because they're convinced that their state would otherwise be habitable. They are wrong. Anyway, the commercial is trying to suggest that marijuana opponents should lighten up, smoke a bowl, and accept some nuclear waste while they're at it. I think. I'm not really clear on this one.

Finally, we see a cartoon checkmark and ominous text telling us to vote yes on 7 to "regulate marijuana". I looked this up, and that is indeed the way the ballot question is phrased. By "regulate", they actually mean "de-criminalize", which is tricky because I bet it would be really easy to get people opposed to it to accidentally vote for it, the same way Floridians voted for Pat Buchanan. But Floridians are pretty dumb, so I don't know if that trick will work here. Regardless, this is the first clue as to what the commercial is supposed to be about. Except it comes at the end, where the low-budget UHF station that they're airing it on can (and will) accidentally clip it off with a mis-timed Mork & Mindy promo. D'oh! This is really harshing their buzz!

I write this as someone who would actually probably vote for the measure, seeing as how ridiculous our existing drug laws are. But still, couldn't they find any competent creative people to put this together? I'd figure all the artists and writers out there would jump aboard pro-bono, just so they didn't have to venture into the ghetto and get shot buying a baggie.