tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18227652520997295702008-05-13T11:34:18.856-04:00Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-153374074162093362008-05-13T11:33:00.000-04:002008-05-13T11:34:18.895-04:00

It's been fourteen years since the last installment of Circus of the Stars, a chintzy relic of the three-network era where sitcom actors owned as property by studios could be forced to walk on a tightrope with a burlap sack over their head if a cigar-chomping bigwig demanded it. After Mr. Belvedere was savagely ripped to shreds by a performing lion, the format fell out of favor and the show

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-34299027441154769852008-05-09T10:36:00.001-04:002008-05-09T10:36:31.688-04:00

Gentle readers. Once again, I will offer my take on films you may or may not wish to see, based only on the knowledge I have gathered through osmosis. Or from watching the film's trailer. Because if you can't fill out a minute with the good parts, you probably have a hundred and seventy-nine and a half minutes of suck left over. This time, I warn you away from Speed Racer, made by those Matrix

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-13124160926714040462007-12-14T09:39:00.001-05:002007-12-14T09:39:25.121-05:00

Gentle readers, it's that time once again, wherein I tell you everything I think I know about a film based on a glance at the trailer. And then you trust me completely, as you are wont to do. Because you're gullible like that. Alvin and the Chipmunks is a heartwrenching story of three small rodents taken from their natural habitat and rendered in less-than-convincing computer animation. Alvin,

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-51417263212844927212007-11-14T12:33:00.001-05:002007-11-14T12:33:52.728-05:00

I have a plan to solve the energy crisis! Okay, so Santa brings coal to children who are naughty, right? Okay, so we encourage all of the kids in the world to misbehave. Santa can't well give them toys, so he leaves lumps of coal in their stockings. We all know that Santa doesn't have mining operations, but rather has magic elves fabricate everything he dispenses. Thus, free coal! We take each

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-50074773918053245262007-11-14T12:21:00.001-05:002007-11-14T12:30:51.146-05:00

Once again, I'm here to fill you in about a movie you don't have to see, because I've seen the trailer. This time out, the film in question is Beowulf, and left me guarantee, it's a Beowulf Cluster of fun. Much like 300, large portions of the movie have been digitally created. Except Beo (as the cool kids will surely call it) takes the added step of digitizing the actors. Sure, this brings them

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-16540423011431025402007-11-09T09:48:00.001-05:002007-11-14T12:32:44.613-05:00

It has been far too long since I, your author, have granted you assistance in deciding whether a film is worthy of your attention and debit card. Fear not! As part of my vow to entertain you while television falters under the crushing duress of labor protests, I am redoubling my efforts to keep you amused. So, Lions for Lambs. As usual, I am only using the film's trailer to inform me about its

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-85169626359512768332007-09-18T09:01:00.001-04:002007-09-18T09:01:21.402-04:00

Ah, it feels like old times. Back in New England again, turning on the TV, and- what's this? Another OJ perp walk? It's just like 1995 again, only I have less hair! Now I have to wonder who all will be back for the reunion tour. Kato is out, as I'm sure he's moved on to bigger and better things, and it would be a stretch to figure out how to involve him in the plot this time. Some of the Dream

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-49886563934629913902007-09-10T09:26:00.000-04:002007-09-10T09:32:47.126-04:00

Last night, Britney Spears attempted a comeback, performing on MTV's video awards, the name of which only serves to remind us of the days when MTV showed videos. *sniff* Excuse me, I'm getting a little verklempt... Brit was widely panned for being out of shape, forgetting her own lyrics, having her hair weave come undone, being outperformed by her own backup dancers, and generally looking and

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-35546092051569658092007-09-06T10:26:00.000-04:002007-09-10T11:05:24.369-04:00

Hey! Want to be scared? Sure, we all do! And it doesn't take a viewing of the Halloween remake to do it. Why, you can be frightened out of your wits in the comfort of your own home, and bring the kids along for the ride! Somehow, Biz Markie (he's got what you ne-EEd) was allowed to have a career again. Only this time, he's appearing on children's television. He makes several appearances on Yo

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-75683359777844296722007-09-01T10:05:00.000-04:002007-09-10T10:06:10.128-04:00

Jenn tivoed Road House 2, which was airing on Spike at 2 in the afternoon today. You know a film is bad when you can't even convince Patrick Swayze to come back in a cameo. This is a straight-to-video fiasco of epic proportions. We tried to tackle it sober (Jenn is now fixing that situation...) and, as she mentioned in her post, we've managed to survive Battlefield Earth in its entirety. We only

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-42480888045547460542007-07-20T09:55:00.000-04:002007-09-10T09:55:48.612-04:00

Friends, Romans, gentle readers. Lend me your ears, er, eyes, and I will speak sooth to you about the Megacomedy of the Century, one which will define movie hilarity for decades to come. And when its rebroadcast on HBO eventually travels deep enough into space for sentient life to observe it, they will fall upon their tentacle knees and weep, for they will deem us muchly advanced in comparison to

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-82924950901363964412007-07-17T10:06:00.000-04:002007-09-10T10:06:57.964-04:00

Based on the poor box-office performance of Hostel 2 and Captivity, pundits everywhere are cheering at the death of the "torture-porn" subgenre of horror. Because of this, expectations and marketing for Saw IV are being cut back, and numerous other torture-porn films that were in the pipeline are being canceled. So is torture-porn dead? I beg to differ. A quick look around the web at porn sites

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-75911455456282925632007-07-13T09:39:00.000-04:002007-09-10T09:39:41.489-04:00

Posh & Becks are relocating to America! What? You have no idea who this famed British duo are? Not to be confused with other great Brit pairings such as "fish & chips", "bangers & mash", and "drawing & quartering", Posh & Becks are Britain's national supercouple. You can tell this, because they both have full sets of teeth, something to which all Britons aspire in their wet dreams. To prepare

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-23541799888470392012007-07-05T10:28:00.000-04:002007-09-10T10:29:18.662-04:00

There's always room for one more standard of measure. Take, for instance, the smoot, a measure of length available on both the Longfellow Bridge and Google Earth. It occurred to me that we, as a society, have no exact unit to measure the success of a television spin-off. Proposed: I am suggesting the creation of the Chachi, a unit for measuring how successful a spin-off is in comparison with

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-65480297196290412122007-07-02T09:56:00.000-04:002007-09-10T09:56:53.409-04:00

Once again, for your infotainment, I present a hard-hitting review of a film I've yet to (and most likely, won't) see, based upon the knowledge garnered only from commercials and trailers. Rumor has it that a new Harry Potter film is coming up, and gosh darn it, you should know about it! Harry Potter and the Chamber of the Order of the Half-Blood Sandwiches or something places now thirty-seven

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-19774146261139904592007-06-26T10:22:00.000-04:002007-09-10T10:22:39.671-04:00

The Supreme Court has ruled that a student's unfurling of a banner reading, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" is not protected speech, because it could reasonably be deemed as supporting drug use. (In case you didn't know, there's some fine print in the Constitution that exempts drug speech. Thus, Dude, Where's My Car? has absolutely no protections under the First Amendment.) You know who the real loser is in

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-79283474887956393372007-06-07T09:40:00.000-04:002007-09-10T09:40:58.821-04:00

Ah, Paris. After three grueling days behind bars, wherein she surely engaged in numerous sud-soaked shower catfights and carved a shiv from her toothbrush, Paris Hilton has been sent straight outta Lynwood lockup, and home to the spartan confines of her palatial estate to serve out the rest of her sentence. That's hot. The justification given was unspecified "medical issues," supposedly being

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-68319282888821520892007-05-25T09:57:00.000-04:002007-09-10T09:58:16.867-04:00

It is time once again, gentle readers, for me to take you into the future, to experience a movie that I know nothing about asides from what I have witnessed in trailers. And I shall dub this experience "Completely Useless Movie Previews" as I always do, and you shall enjoy it, as you always do. And so. On to Pirates of the Caribbean 3: The Search for Spock. As you may recall from not watching

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-47520413245829733362007-04-16T10:29:00.000-04:002007-09-10T10:30:04.481-04:00

On the flight back from vacation, I ran out of things to watch on the seat-back TV after Cops ended. Mind you this was about an hour into a six-hour flight that ended near dawn eastern time (although we got home around midnight thanks to the zone difference.) The TV's were on the eastern feed. Mind you, at 2am you take what you can get. And what I got was PlayMania. Let me tell you, gentle

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-21748477387017538182007-03-19T10:15:00.000-04:002007-09-10T10:15:28.544-04:00

Last night we saw Spamalot, the musical adaptation of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This meant that the audience was packed with die-hard Monty Python fans who could recite lines and burst into laughter minutes before something that was going to happen actually did, and who probably should have been restrained. This being the Vegas production, it was abbreviated to fit into 90 minutes, which

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-5408273495855798842007-03-05T10:23:00.000-05:002007-09-10T10:23:27.688-04:00

Love Wikipedia, but think the articles are just too left-leaning ("you got evolution in my science article!")? An elderly woman who led the charge against feminism in the 70's has put her money behind Conservapedia. Written primarily by her son, who lectures against vaccinations in quack medical journals, the encyclopedia has such whimsical quirks as banning the use of "CE" and "BCE" in order to

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-44277701237860077092007-03-01T09:58:00.000-05:002007-09-10T09:59:18.631-04:00

Thinking of going to go see 300? Gentle readers, once again I'll spare you the need, by reviewing a film I haven't seen based solely on the content of the trailers. 300 is the story of the first X-Games, held in Sparta, Greece a couple thousand years ago with single one event: Mortal Kombat! Painstaking attention to historical accuracy has wrought a film that cannot be questioned at all.

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-78426311705830468222007-02-17T09:41:00.000-05:002007-09-10T09:41:46.383-04:00

Overnight, a weepy Britney Spears (fresh from a grueling hourlong stint in rehab) was videotaped harassing the staff of a tattoo parlor and confiscating the clippers from a stylist to shave her own head bald, all the while while muttering about "people touching her" and acting erratically. What "erratic" means when one is referring to Spears is anyone's guess. The girl let K-Fed stick his

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-39941503438723638022007-02-11T09:59:00.000-05:002007-09-10T10:00:02.389-04:00

I have heard your outcry, and decided to give you more of what you want. Heading into this all important blockbuster spring "would-never-succeed-in-the-summer" movie dumping time, you need to know what movies are worth seeing, based on the random guesses of someone totally unfamiliar with the films. I give you Ghost Rider. Ghost Rider is apparently the older brother of Speed Racer. By day, he's

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1822765252099729570.post-27769802890147515662007-02-09T10:00:00.000-05:002007-09-10T10:00:45.922-04:00

Gentle readers, it has been too long since I indulged your need for a completely useless movie preview, based only on the knowledge garnered from a cursory viewing of a movie's trailer. Well, here you go. Don't ever say I don't do anything for you. Hannibal Rising, from what I gather, is a delightful family film about a young Lithuanian orphan and his struggles to keep his family together during

Jeremyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00197049560855079183noreply@blogger.com