Real Problems. Real Answers.

I have a plan to solve the energy crisis!

Okay, so Santa brings coal to children who are naughty, right? Okay, so we encourage all of the kids in the world to misbehave. Santa can't well give them toys, so he leaves lumps of coal in their stockings. We all know that Santa doesn't have mining operations, but rather has magic elves fabricate everything he dispenses. Thus, free coal! We take each lump of coal, put it together into a big stockpile, and voila! Enough to put a dent in the ever-growing energy void.

Yes, I know, my plan is, essentially, to steal Christmas. But I'd like to hear you come up with something more foolproof!

The Metric Chachi

There's always room for one more standard of measure. Take, for instance, the smoot, a measure of length available on both the Longfellow Bridge and Google Earth.

It occurred to me that we, as a society, have no exact unit to measure the success of a television spin-off.

Proposed: I am suggesting the creation of the Chachi, a unit for measuring how successful a spin-off is in comparison with Joanie Loves Chachi.

JLC technically ran for two seasons between 1982 and 1983. The series was a midseason replacement that debuted in March, and then came back the next fall and ran on and off until the following spring. Thus there were only seventeen episodes.

The length of time that JLC aired is hereby equal to one Chachi (Ch).

Now, to measure in seasons or episodes? This is where it gets complicated. I propose that the measurement of Chachis in seasons shall be the Imperial Chachi (ICh), and the measurement in episodes will be the Metric Chachi (MCh).

Thus. Say a spin-off of Veronica Mars is created. This hypothetical series, called AfterMARS and following Veronica as she graduates med school and time-travels to work in a VA hospital shortly after the Korean War, runs on the CW network for two full seasons of 24 episodes each. AfterMARS's success could be measured as 1 Imperial Chachi, or 2.8 Metric Chachis.

The Jeffersons ran for 11 seasons for a total of 253 episodes. Thus it scores 5.5 ICh and 14.88 MCh.

The longer a series runs, the closer it gets to a hypothetical value of Absolute Chachi, an airing of infinite seasons. The most successful spin-off ever, and the closest mankind has been able to observe a series approaching Absolute Chachi, is The Simpsons, which is a spin-off of The Traci Ullman Show. At 18 seasons (401 episodes) and counting, it rates an astounding 9 ICh and 33.42 MCh!

Other spin-off values:
Frasier: 11 seasons, 264 episodes = 5.5 ICh (15.53 MCh)
Angel: 5 seasons, 110 episodes = 2.5 ICh (6.47 MCh)
AfterMASH: 2 seasons, 30 episodes = 1 ICh (1.76 MCh)
Joey: 2 seasons, 46 episodes = 1 ICh (2.76 MCh)
Law & Order: SVU: 8 seasons, 183 episodes (through today) = Minimum Chachi Value* of 4 ICh (10.76 MCh)
Law & Order: Criminal Intent: 6 seasons, 133 episodes (through today) = Minimum Chachi Value* of 3 ICh (7.65 MCh)
Law & order: Trial by Jury: 1 season, 13 episodes = .5 ICh (.76 MCh)

* A series still airing cannot be measured exactly. We can only observe it along a path towards Absolute Chachi, and estimate a Minimum Value of Chachi, which we know it cannot score below. Only after it is canceled can we tally an exact Chachi measurement.

There. Go now and use my creation for good.

The Little Police

Last night, I came up with the concept of the Little Police. They'd be a special team of police midgets with one purpose: to chase down small criminals who squeeze through openings like Tom & Jerry-style mouse holes where the big police can't tread.

Come on, you know you wish you'd thought of it first. Especially when Little Police: The Motion Picture is optioned, with Gary Coleman playing the gruff sergeant with a heart of gold.