So! You want to make your own supernovel turned summer blockbuster, and you want to do it in the style of Dan Brown (which is to say, you want to do it by the numbers)? Fear not, for no shred of originality is required. Now, the basic building blocks of a Dan Brown novel are included in this handy kit, free for you to reassemble in the order of your choosing to create the work that Brown himself only wishes he had re-written.
Kit Includes:
* Confused Eurofemme heroine
* Nasty cult from the bowels of pseudo-history
* Crazed outsider with desire to use cult to destroy the Catholic Church
* Robert Langdon (mullet optional)
* Plans for Wild Goose Chase, with Family Circus-style dashed line for illustration purposes
* Core plot lifted from someone else's work
You Provide:
* Creepy Mary-Sue inability to separate self from protagonist, especially when describing heroine's feelings for protagonist
* Historical trinket
Given these tools, you can tell the story of Robert Langdon, internationally-renowned symbologist, who, along with confused Eurofemme heroine _Chesty LaRue_, is the only person who can stop the dreaded cult of _AntiMasons_ from obtaining the _Solomon's Dentures_ and destroying the _Catholic Church_. Follow Langdon across Europe, solving riddles in English (the international language of ancient puzzles) and awkwardly describing his romantic feelings through inner monologue.
Will your creation top the best-seller list? Will it earn you the respect of the girl from high school who your heroine is blatantly modeled after? What goofy haircut will Tom Hanks sport in the movie? Find out for only $19.95, plus shipping and handling.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The DaVinci Code: Tokyo Drift
So last night we trekked out to Summerlin to catch The DaVinci Code. Why go to the extreme other end of the city? Well, we're apartment hunting now, and despite all its creepiness, Summerlin is home to tons of nice places. (It's also home to the sluttiest nine-year olds in the world, and they were in line in front of us at the theatre, blinged-out and yapping into their Razr phones. *shudder*)
So anyway, the movie. Ron Howard directed, and you can tell because everyone assumes the gestures, mannerisms, and poses of characters in Arrested Development. This means Tom Hanks channels Jason Bateman to play Robert Langdon, Indiana Jones' boring, mulleted cousin. Hanks has reverted to his Bosom Buddies-era hairdo, despite many reasons why he should not have looked back.
But I still haven't gotten to the movie.
I'm going to assume you've read the book. Because, like, everyone on earth has read the book. Except the woman next to me, who kept gasping in shock and awe at each revelation. "Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father?!" Sorry if I spoiled it for you. The audience was apparently also full of people who have never left America before. They laughed at the sight of fuel-efficient Citreon smart-cars, and were confused about the switching between London and Paris. Yes, yes, we get it. Europe is old. Shut up and eat your popcorn, sister.
So. An ancient order of watchdogs, headed by famous people, knows a secret: Jesus got it on with Mary Magdalene, and spawned a line of French royalty that, to my surprise, did not die out when Childeric III was deposed and sent to a monastery. Instead, the Merovingians fended for themselves, acting in Matrix films and trying not to be killed by Vatican extremists, who want to erase all evidence that Jesus got his groove on. The Holy Grail is the codename for this bloodline, and its last surviving member is Audrey Tautou, who's strangely hot in a pixie-sort-of-way, but also jarring to watch speaking English, especially when you can't separate her entirely from Amelie.
The movie takes liberties with the second half of the book. The sequence in space, the journey to the center of the earth, the simplification of the plot to cram it into 2.5 hours, etc. Ian McKellen is in the Gina Gershon role: that of the lone actor who knows the movie sucks and is reveling in its suckiness. "Yes, I am eccentic, old, and therefore evil. And I will bring you down, Tommy! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
Side note: We saw the trailor for the Miami Vice remake, in which Colin Farrell has not learned his lesson to avoid blond roles. We also saw one for Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, so bad that Paul Walker even refused to return. I have a feeling that Tokyo Drift will go down in history as one of the worst sequel subtitles ever, along with Electric Boogaloo and The Quickening. They should have stuck to my idea for a name: 3's Fast, 4's Company.
Anyway, back to the movie at hand.
Removed is any hint of romantic feelings between Robert and Sofie. What we get in its place is a firm, hearty hug like you'd give your uncle at a birthday party after he gave you a tie. ("I get to spend the rest of my life on the run from church assassins? Yay. Just what I always wanted.") See, sex will get you an R rating, whereas self-flagellating monks coated in blood and lots of shootings will only get you a PG-13. Interesting that in a movie about the rediscovery of the sacred feminine, everyone dies by phallus.
Oh yes, the self-flagellating monk. Poor Silas is really the hero here- he tries to stop Hanks from explaining everything, and just kill him. Of origins hazily glossed-over in jittery flashbacks, Silas wants to do good for those who helped him escape his life of crime. And he also likes getting spanked. If only he'd been rescued by a dominatrix, he'd have been happy. Instead, he joins Opus Dei, an extreme Catholic splinter cult that will probably see an explosion in membership by albinos who need spankings after they see this film. No one in Opus Dei is happy. No one.
So how was the movie? Meh. I worked hard to memorize the book for a future Jeopardy! appearance, and they went and changed major portions just because. Opie goes out of his way to make sure no one can possibly be offended by changing Hanks' character into a skeptical voice of reason. A boring, long-winded voice of reason, who's going to quiz you after the film to make sure you got all his major talking points. Audrie Tautou isn't topless nearly as much in American cinema as she is in French. As in, any. And in 2.5 hours, you might just be able to read the book and get the full story. It looked nice, although the projector wasn't entirely focused so it looked fuzzy for me. The locations are authentic, except for Newton's tomb, which is out of place in Westminster Abbey, and clearly made of styrofoam. Kind of like Hanks' mullet.
Oh, and as to the secret of the Grail: Jesus and Mary weren't married. His last name was "Christ" and hers was "Magdalene". If they were really married, she'd have changed hers.
So anyway, the movie. Ron Howard directed, and you can tell because everyone assumes the gestures, mannerisms, and poses of characters in Arrested Development. This means Tom Hanks channels Jason Bateman to play Robert Langdon, Indiana Jones' boring, mulleted cousin. Hanks has reverted to his Bosom Buddies-era hairdo, despite many reasons why he should not have looked back.
But I still haven't gotten to the movie.
I'm going to assume you've read the book. Because, like, everyone on earth has read the book. Except the woman next to me, who kept gasping in shock and awe at each revelation. "Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father?!" Sorry if I spoiled it for you. The audience was apparently also full of people who have never left America before. They laughed at the sight of fuel-efficient Citreon smart-cars, and were confused about the switching between London and Paris. Yes, yes, we get it. Europe is old. Shut up and eat your popcorn, sister.
So. An ancient order of watchdogs, headed by famous people, knows a secret: Jesus got it on with Mary Magdalene, and spawned a line of French royalty that, to my surprise, did not die out when Childeric III was deposed and sent to a monastery. Instead, the Merovingians fended for themselves, acting in Matrix films and trying not to be killed by Vatican extremists, who want to erase all evidence that Jesus got his groove on. The Holy Grail is the codename for this bloodline, and its last surviving member is Audrey Tautou, who's strangely hot in a pixie-sort-of-way, but also jarring to watch speaking English, especially when you can't separate her entirely from Amelie.
The movie takes liberties with the second half of the book. The sequence in space, the journey to the center of the earth, the simplification of the plot to cram it into 2.5 hours, etc. Ian McKellen is in the Gina Gershon role: that of the lone actor who knows the movie sucks and is reveling in its suckiness. "Yes, I am eccentic, old, and therefore evil. And I will bring you down, Tommy! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"
Side note: We saw the trailor for the Miami Vice remake, in which Colin Farrell has not learned his lesson to avoid blond roles. We also saw one for Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, so bad that Paul Walker even refused to return. I have a feeling that Tokyo Drift will go down in history as one of the worst sequel subtitles ever, along with Electric Boogaloo and The Quickening. They should have stuck to my idea for a name: 3's Fast, 4's Company.
Anyway, back to the movie at hand.
Removed is any hint of romantic feelings between Robert and Sofie. What we get in its place is a firm, hearty hug like you'd give your uncle at a birthday party after he gave you a tie. ("I get to spend the rest of my life on the run from church assassins? Yay. Just what I always wanted.") See, sex will get you an R rating, whereas self-flagellating monks coated in blood and lots of shootings will only get you a PG-13. Interesting that in a movie about the rediscovery of the sacred feminine, everyone dies by phallus.
Oh yes, the self-flagellating monk. Poor Silas is really the hero here- he tries to stop Hanks from explaining everything, and just kill him. Of origins hazily glossed-over in jittery flashbacks, Silas wants to do good for those who helped him escape his life of crime. And he also likes getting spanked. If only he'd been rescued by a dominatrix, he'd have been happy. Instead, he joins Opus Dei, an extreme Catholic splinter cult that will probably see an explosion in membership by albinos who need spankings after they see this film. No one in Opus Dei is happy. No one.
So how was the movie? Meh. I worked hard to memorize the book for a future Jeopardy! appearance, and they went and changed major portions just because. Opie goes out of his way to make sure no one can possibly be offended by changing Hanks' character into a skeptical voice of reason. A boring, long-winded voice of reason, who's going to quiz you after the film to make sure you got all his major talking points. Audrie Tautou isn't topless nearly as much in American cinema as she is in French. As in, any. And in 2.5 hours, you might just be able to read the book and get the full story. It looked nice, although the projector wasn't entirely focused so it looked fuzzy for me. The locations are authentic, except for Newton's tomb, which is out of place in Westminster Abbey, and clearly made of styrofoam. Kind of like Hanks' mullet.
Oh, and as to the secret of the Grail: Jesus and Mary weren't married. His last name was "Christ" and hers was "Magdalene". If they were really married, she'd have changed hers.
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