The Build-Your-Own Dan Brown Religio-Historical Thriller Kit

So! You want to make your own supernovel turned summer blockbuster, and you want to do it in the style of Dan Brown (which is to say, you want to do it by the numbers)? Fear not, for no shred of originality is required. Now, the basic building blocks of a Dan Brown novel are included in this handy kit, free for you to reassemble in the order of your choosing to create the work that Brown himself only wishes he had re-written.

Kit Includes:
* Confused Eurofemme heroine
* Nasty cult from the bowels of pseudo-history
* Crazed outsider with desire to use cult to destroy the Catholic Church
* Robert Langdon (mullet optional)
* Plans for Wild Goose Chase, with Family Circus-style dashed line for illustration purposes
* Core plot lifted from someone else's work

You Provide:
* Creepy Mary-Sue inability to separate self from protagonist, especially when describing heroine's feelings for protagonist
* Historical trinket

Given these tools, you can tell the story of Robert Langdon, internationally-renowned symbologist, who, along with confused Eurofemme heroine _Chesty LaRue_, is the only person who can stop the dreaded cult of _AntiMasons_ from obtaining the _Solomon's Dentures_ and destroying the _Catholic Church_. Follow Langdon across Europe, solving riddles in English (the international language of ancient puzzles) and awkwardly describing his romantic feelings through inner monologue.

Will your creation top the best-seller list? Will it earn you the respect of the girl from high school who your heroine is blatantly modeled after? What goofy haircut will Tom Hanks sport in the movie? Find out for only $19.95, plus shipping and handling.