A Modest Proposal

The 2008 presidential campaign season is upon us, like... something upon... something else. Potential candidates are crawling out of the woodwork with newly-created exploratory committees to raise funds and test the theory, "Does anyone in Iowa know who the hell I am?"

Of course, not everyone can be president. Most of these people will wind up losing primaries, dropping out of the race, and starting the embarrassing process of begging to be a vice presidential choice.

My modest plan eliminates the need for this awkward, humiliating tradition whereby each losing candidates come to the winner and apologizes for suggesting in an attack ad that he or she may have run over babies with a riding mower. And then asks politely if they could be trusted by the winner to succeed them should any unfortunate accidents befall them. *cough* *shotgun to face* *cough*

My suggestion is that candidates campaign not alone, but in pairs right from the start. Already paired up, there's no need to scrape the bottom of the barrel for a running mate after the grueling primary season. And as a bonus, people are often more popular as half of a pair!

Take Hall and Oates, for example. Who knows who they are when they're apart?

Hall: "Hi. I'm Hall."
Random Person: "DIE, STRANGER!" *punches Hall in face*

Now, take this exchange.

Hall: "Hi, I'm Hall, from Hall and Oates."
Random Person: "I know you." *punches Hall in face*

Much better, no?

Imagine the harnessed power of a Hall and Oates '08 ticket! Hall would be president, because his name comes first. It ain't "Oates and Hall," after all. Oates would be veep, hanging out in the Undisclosed Location(tm) waiting for Hall to die. Hall would provide us with the string of hit singles our nation wants. Oates would provide us with the mustache we so desperately need.

Not that They Actually Did It

So OJ Simpson, noble chivalric knight that he is, is releasing a book that explains, if he had been guilty, how exactly he would have cut up his ex-girlfriend and her date almost fifteen years ago. How he would have gotten rid of the bloody gloves, what he would have told Kato on the couch, and how Johnnie Cochran would have gotten him acquitted. You know, if he were guilty. Which we all know he's not. Ahem.

This could begin a whole genre of "If I HAD Done It, Here's How" books. Enron execs would explain exactly how they would have bilked their investors, if they had really been capable of such acts. Florida election officials would compose tell-alls about how they would have rigged an election, and could very easily have gotten away with it, repeatedly, were not but for the grace of Katherine Harris and her good judgment. K-Fed would explain, in poor, misspelled scrawlings peppered with the word "yo", how he could have tarnished Britney's career ("Step 1: Take all her money") but chose not to.

Taking this to its logical extreme, we could finally find long-lost Hitler diaries, wherein he reveals his secret to pure evil. If he were into that sort of thing. Mel Gibson's dad would believe him.

Winds of Change

Britney finally realized K-Fed is a loser!

Alas, poor K-Fed, we hardly knew ye. Well, we knew that you sucked, that your new album was possibly the worst thing ever committed to recording since Vanilla Ice told us to send acknowledgments to our mothers, and that you were pulling poor Brit down into the black hole of career doom. But asides from that, you were a mystery. A riddle, wrapped in an enigma, covered by a sideways trucker hat that would have gotten you shot by most of the people you thought were your audience.

And now, I'd like to ask for a moment of silence in honor of K-Fed's short-lived marriage and career.

No, wait. Silence isn't enough to mourn this deep loss. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!

Goodbye Kevin Fed,
Though we never knew you at all
You had the nerve to put
Your hands in Britney's wallet (and on her goods).

And it seems to me, you lived your life
Like a no-good white trash poser
Never knowing how to sing
Or who to knock up next
And I would have liked to known you
And maybe straighten out your hat
Your money train ran out long before
Your Hollywood Squares appearances did.

Thanks, Elton. You really know how to capture a moment. Here's your fifty mil.