Completely Useless Movie Previews: Speed Racer

Gentle readers. Once again, I will offer my take on films you may or may not wish to see, based only on the knowledge I have gathered through osmosis. Or from watching the film's trailer. Because if you can't fill out a minute with the good parts, you probably have a hundred and seventy-nine and a half minutes of suck left over.

This time, I warn you away from Speed Racer, made by those Matrix guys. You know, the ones who we wish more and more, with each successive film since The Matrix Reloaded, that they'd never made a film after The Matrix.

Speed Racer is based on the 60's proto-anime cartoon of the same name, and is the tragic tale of a boy suffering from attention deficit disorder. Speed, named for the drug his mother was on throughout her pregnancy, wants to win something. I think it's a race. He's aided in this goal by just the people you want surrounding you so that others take you seriously- your parents (Dad likes to dress up like Mario), your girlfriend, your little brother, and an armed chimp.

Speed is driven to drive both by his desire to escape the movie, and also to avenge the mysterious death of his older brother, who supposedly died in a freak accident coincidental to the appearance of Racer X on the scene. Racer X looks like Speed's brother, talks like Speed's brother, and raced like Speed's brother. Except Racer X doesn't show up at family events like reunions and barbecues, so it obviously isn't him.

Threatening all that Speed holds dear (apparently dysfunctional families, primary colors, and chimpanzees) is Mr. Royalton, who wants to sign up Speed to either race for his Team of Evil or work in his whimsical candy factory. I'm unclear on this. Speed can't sell out, though, because he's a commie. Becoming a cog in the bourgeois capitalist machine of excess would be betraying the sweat and blood of his fellow human and chimp workers. Will Royalton accept his refusal without a plot point? Will Racer X save Speed, and then unmask himself and help out with the family yard sale? Will we all get massive seizures watching the bright lights and pretty colors?!

Another item of note is the production style. This is the type of film that doesn't need to brag about being in color. Not that many films do, these days. Instead, this is the type of movie that opts to brutally assault you and leave you for dead in an alley with color. And then pisses color on your corpse. It's like having your blood replaced with liquefied Skittles. If that's not an endorsement, then what is?

So, on my scale of 1 to 88 stars, with 88 being the number of times you're likely to have synapse misfires and hallucinate dead relatives while watching, and 12 being the highest age of someone who would enjoy this thing, I give Speed Racer a six-pack of Red Bull, a zany simian sidekick, and a healthy dose of Ritalin.