Completely Useless Movie Previews: Alvin and the Chipmunks

Gentle readers, it's that time once again, wherein I tell you everything I think I know about a film based on a glance at the trailer. And then you trust me completely, as you are wont to do. Because you're gullible like that.

Alvin and the Chipmunks is a heartwrenching story of three small rodents taken from their natural habitat and rendered in less-than-convincing computer animation. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore desperately want to spread a message of environmental awareness and the dangers of global warming, but instead are enslaved by the cruel and heartless David Seville. Hopped up on goofballs and chained to a microphone, their screams of anguish are digitally altered into classics such as "Christmas Don't Be Late" and "The Witch Doctor."

Seville, whose hobbies include deep-fat frying underperforming chipmunks as bite-size nuggets, is played by Jason Lee. Lee was booted from the remake of Fletch because studio execs didn't think he had the persona to carry a film on his own as lead. When people compare your charisma to Chevy Chase and decide unfavorably on your behalf, this is a message. That message is, it's time to talk to your agent about that dancing rodent flick.

Big questions are presented in this movie, many left up in the air. Will Dave get rabies? Will the chipmunks take home the Grammy? Will their droppings lead the health department to condemn Dave's home, or will the Chipmunk saga ultimately end in a small cardboard box buried beneath some cigarette butts and a whiskey bottle in the backyard? You'd think the writers would care enough about their characters to supply us with this vital information, and not leave us without closure. We, as an audience, demand to see the horrible, grisly fate that awaits this trio. Especially if an owl is involved.

Fans of the 80's cartoon maybe disappointed that the Chipettes are nowhere to be seen. These proto-furry heroines were lusted after by many a lad who wished their figures were anatomically correct. Does Hollywood today not care about the money in the pockets (among other things in the pockets) of horny teenage boys who crave anthropomorphic sex idols? Their appearance would have catapulted this movie to blockbuster status. Especially in Japan, where themed panties could have been sold in vending machines.

So. The Chipmunks. A cautionary tale of animal abuse, the cold uncaring world of contemporary top-40 radio, and the career of Jason Lee. On my voodoo-cursed scale of 1 to 88 stars, with 12 or so being the general level of tolerance I can muster for any Jason Lee film, I give this movie three deep-fried chipmunk nuggets, a pair of Chipette panties, and time served. Now let us completely forget this cultural phenomenon for another couple decades at least.