Circus of the Who?

It's been fourteen years since the last installment of Circus of the Stars, a chintzy relic of the three-network era where sitcom actors owned as property by studios could be forced to walk on a tightrope with a burlap sack over their head if a cigar-chomping bigwig demanded it. After Mr. Belvedere was savagely ripped to shreds by a performing lion, the format fell out of favor and the show hasn't aired in the U.S. since.

Today, the networks' grip on performers has slipped. A star coerced into being shot out of a cannon as part of a ratings stunt can just say no, and go appear on a dimly-lit drama on FX instead. CBS isn't going to force the cast of CSI to cram themselves into a clown car if they want to keep them around very long.

But the rise of free agency hasn't helped the bottom-of-the-barrel performers- the washed-up, bankrupt and otherwise unemployable. Future Lindsay Lohan, we're looking in your general direction! I'm talking about former child stars, supermodels above the age of thirty, musical one-hit wonders, and anyone who's quasi-famous for being on a reality show and losing. Are these people in any position to turn down work, even if it's grinding up puppies into Puppy Chow? (Oh yes, that's how it's done. Also, Santa Claus isn't real.)

Thus, this summer we face Celebrity Circus, a revival of Circus of the Stars done up in a so-new-it's-old-already reality show veneer. Note that rather than stars- you know, people who star in shows and that you want to see, you now get celebrities- people who can range from real actors down on their luck, to people who are simply famous because they do other famous peoples' tattoo art. Celebrity is cheap these days. Many of these same people have appeared on Dancing with the Stars, which is confusing, because those who are danced with are most assuredly not stars, but merely celebrities. Don't confuse the two!

Thus, you will get to see Christopher Knight, poor middle Brady child, now willing to endure public humiliation as a trapeze performer. Knight has made a "living" out of stuff like this- he's been married on a reality show (My Fair Brady), locked in a house with other celebrities (The Surreal Life), hunted ghosts (Celebrity Paranormal Project), waxed nostalgic about the 1970's (I Love the 70's: Volume 2) and done everything else on television short of dying (which may just happen here!). The difference between Stars and Celebrity is that on Celebrity, you're rooting for these losers to get injured. Whereas on Stars, network execs prayed that Ed Asner wouldn't be maimed beyond recognition and lead to the untimely cancellation of Lou Grant. The commercials even acknowledge this, showing a teaser of Knight landing on his face after falling out of a big hamster wheel.

(There's another comeback- between the revival of American Gladiators and now Celebrity Circus, big-ass hamster equipment is having its best week ever!)

So, will the new Circus provide as much entertainment as the old? Well, that's debatable. It depends on whether you want stars or will settle for celebrities, and how much you want to see them suffer. If you're willing to watch celebrities dance, lose weight, eat bugs, go stir crazy, or box each other then you probably don't have anything against seeing Rachel Hunter wounded by a cotton-candy machine.