Completely Usless Movie Previews: Harry Potter and the Lord of the Dance

Once again, for your infotainment, I present a hard-hitting review of a film I've yet to (and most likely, won't) see, based upon the knowledge garnered only from commercials and trailers. Rumor has it that a new Harry Potter film is coming up, and gosh darn it, you should know about it!

Harry Potter and the Chamber of the Order of the Half-Blood Sandwiches or something places now thirty-seven year old Harry in what must be his twentieth year at Hogwart's, a school that should really ask its PR department about a renaming initiative. Harry faces off against his old foe Bat-Boy, who you may remember from The Weekly World News. Bat Boy is really miffed that infant Harry and his parents sabotaged his previous attempts at world domination, and now he's back for vengeance. And this time, it's for profit!

It's no secret Harry has to live through the movie. For one, most of you read the book when it came out years ago, and already know. Also, there are two books after the one that inspired this film, and if Harry's going to be in the movies inspired by those films, then he'd best survive! But maybe there's a twist. Nobody's done anything with the idea of clones, replicants, or having the hero rebuilt as an evil cyborg, have they? Oh. Damn. Well, I'm sure they could think of something...

Anyway. I'm going to let you in on a big secret. See, this particular book/movie/merchandising scheme is crucial to the series, as a pivotal event happens here that changes how you'll think of what's transpired so far, and what is to come. If you don't want the movie spoiled for you, turn away now, scroll down, and then continue reading.

Harry finds out is parents were huge MASH fans, and named him after actor Harry Morgan, and his character, Col. Sherman Potter!

THERE. You can psychically know now to stop scrolling and pick up reading again.

What else happens? I hear Harry gets his nude on and sleeps with a horse. This isn't just idle gossip, I've seen pictures to back it up! Hermione finally offs herself after severe teasing over the name "Hermione." The One Ring is finally returned to Crack of Doom. Draco and Harry have hot, hot fanfic action, making creative use of their wands. The Ministry of Magic tries to take over the school. Snape inexplicably goes around acting like Alan Rickman.

Make no bones about it, Harry Potter and the Temple of the Attack of the Prisoner of the Romancing of the Stone will have plenty of stupid made-up words, animals that turn into other things, vibrating broomsticks, and obscure plot points pulled out of J.R. Rowling's ass. Most of this you can expect to be stolen and included in any sequel to Eragon, so if you miss it here, fear not. And why wouldn't you miss it, when I've so cleverly laid out everything that will transpire in the film?

So. On my enchanted scale of 1 to 88 stars, with 1 being a muggle and 65 or higher being worthy of a scraggly grey beard, I give Harry Potter and the Goblet of Deathly Sorcerers Strikes Back a "Can Miss" and nine and 3/4 owl droppings.