Completely Useless Movie Previews: Snakes on a Plane

Our ongoing series of Completely Useless Movie Previews continues, with a look at the much-anticipated Snakes on a Plane. For a change, this preview (like all the others, based on the trailer alone) will be no more or less accurate than anyone else's, because the film was not screened for critics. Eat that, Ebert!

So. Snakes on a Plane. I wish I could tell you waht it's about. It's all rather vague. There's a plane, and Samuel L. Jackson is aboard. He plays Samuel L. Jackson, foul-mouthed actor full of rage and vengeance, probably over getting the gay purple lightsaber in Attack of the Clones. Sam has a problem. There may or may not be snakes on his airplane, and whatever the case, he most likely didn't get anything more than a little bag of four or five pretzels to eat on his trans-oceanic flight. That would piss me off, too.

Are the snakes flying the plane? Hard to say, but I for one welcome our new jet-piloting reptilian overlords. Do the snakes accumulate frequent-flier miles? Maybe, but they can't use them on weekends or holidays, that's for damn sure! Anyway, there's snakes, and they're on the plane, because you can bring venomous snakes in your carry-on, but not your iPod or a Slurpee. Sam apparently has some sort of problem with this, and poses the question, "Whither the snakes?"

Maybe the snakes will get off in St. Louis, having only boarded to make a transfer en route to Cincinnati. Maybe if Sam had only offered them a flower, like those Hare Krishnas you see hanging out at the airport in 70's airplane films, all of the violence could be avoided.

Yes, there is violence. Or it looks that way, at least. Sam versus the pilot? The stewardess versus the guy with the oversized bag? The pretzels versus the peanuts? Everyone versus the tiny pillows and overpriced headsets? And why is the airline-edit of Cheaper by the Dozen playing on the seatback video system?! You may as well challenge the passengers to mortal (k/c)ombat!

So. Will Snakes on a Plane be a hit? And more importantly, will it spawn Snakes on a Plane 2: Snakes on a Boat: Cruise Control? Let's ask my Magic 8-Ball, which has a 10% accuracy rate. And it says... "Ask again later."

Well! I guess we'll just have to wait and see. But you're not reading this because you want to wait. Oh no, you overanxious, hyperactive early-climaxers. You want answers now! Right or wrong! And so, on a scale of 1 to 88 stars, with 15 being passing and 16 being questionable, I give this film two turntables and a microphone. Because who wouldn't want that? Okay, maybe the movie really wanted a pony. But I'm not made of ponies, especially since I gave up pony meat.