Completely Useless Movie Previews: Pirates of the Caribbean 2

And now it's time to introduce an exciting new feature here on Improper Pronoun. I'm going to call it, "Completely Useless Movie Previews," and it will involve informing you, gentle readers, about upcoming movies based on my knowing absolutely nothing about them. The value you derive from them will be zilch.

You're welcome.

Our first preview is Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest, which I'll assume features the stars of the first Pirates movie. Or not, don't take that for granted. Gary Coleman could be the hero for all I know, and if you go to see it that's a risk you face. It may or may not also be a cartoon. Do you remember that cartoon Disney did a few years ago about pirates in space? No, me neither. I doubt this one involves space. They're smart enough not to do that again.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you don't like pirates, you shouldn't see this movie. Although they're not really specific about the type of pirates, are they? They could be software pirates, or butt pirates. So if you're into warez and gay anal sex, then by all means, check it out, because this could be right up your alley. And I'd hate for you to miss out just on my saying not to.

Anyway, the plot. There's a dead man, and he has a chest. A chest of booty? Gay anal booty? Or a chest of money? Maybe he has man-boobs. At any rate, there's a chest, and the pirates want it. I think. I mean, why would they put it in a pirate movie if the pirates are just going to spend the whole film avoiding it, like that crazy aunt locked in the attic that no one mentions because then they'd have to acknowledge the odd silence and foul odor coming from up there for the past three weeks? I guess it could be Keira Knightley's chest, but she doesn't have much of one. Now abs, she's got those in spades. But I digress.

Word has it that they're already filming another sequel. Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Tokyo Drift, or something. Much of the above also applies to it, except that there will be different villains and probably a different plot. About continental drift? Likely. But don't hold it against me if it isn't. Maybe it's about Keira Knightley's chest. You can hold that against me.

All in all, on a sliding scale of 1 to 88 stars, with 15 being passing, I give PotC2:DMC two cups of pudding, a piece of lint, and a 1980 Carl Yastrzemski baseball card in excellent-mint condition. Should you go see it, I can guarantee one thing: You'll be seeing a movie. On that, you can bet.

Unless the power goes out, or you die on the way there.