I have a plan to solve the energy crisis!
Okay, so Santa brings coal to children who are naughty, right? Okay, so we encourage all of the kids in the world to misbehave. Santa can't well give them toys, so he leaves lumps of coal in their stockings. We all know that Santa doesn't have mining operations, but rather has magic elves fabricate everything he dispenses. Thus, free coal! We take each lump of coal, put it together into a big stockpile, and voila! Enough to put a dent in the ever-growing energy void.
Yes, I know, my plan is, essentially, to steal Christmas. But I'd like to hear you come up with something more foolproof!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Completely Useless Movie Previews: Beowulf
Once again, I'm here to fill you in about a movie you don't have to see, because I've seen the trailer. This time out, the film in question is Beowulf, and left me guarantee, it's a Beowulf Cluster of fun.
Much like 300, large portions of the movie have been digitally created. Except Beo (as the cool kids will surely call it) takes the added step of digitizing the actors. Sure, this brings them creepily close to the Uncanny Valley, wherein almost-human creations are so close to humanity that their faults become exaggerated to the point of eeriness. But ignore those dead eyes and read on. The man behind them is none other than Robert Zemeckis, whose animated Polar Express certainly didn't give any children deep-rooted psychological problems.
Unlike other retreads of the source material, this one is, oddly-enough, not set in a "techno-futile world." Rather, it's the dark ages, and the Danes are up against the monster Grendel, and his mother, Angelina Jolie, who is really taking this adoption thing way too far. Grendel is played by Crispin Glover, which is a bit much, since merely casting Crispin Glover makes your villain plenty scary right there. Grendel's mommy likes to prance around nude in gold paint and stripper heels, which don't seem to be the best choice for mortal combat, but hey, times were different in ye olden days.
Beowulf is a very manly hero. Well, as manly as you can be fighting a girl. You can tell he's manly, because he does manly things, like yelling his name repeatedly ("I... am... Beowulf!") just in case you forgot who he was, therefore reminding you of his Shatneresque manliness. You know, just in case you happen to have heard about this manly guy named Beowulf, and need your memory jogged indirectly when you realize it's this guy. (It's him. HE'S BEOWULF.)
Taking a cue from 300, many other things are screamed in an important manner as well. Historical records show that, in the past, screaming was more culturally acceptable than it is today. Evidence comes in the form of the original, screamed Gettysburg Address, delivered by a half-nude Abraham Lincoln.
So, is it worth watching? Duh! Did you read about the nekkid Angelina Jolie? Granted, it's a computer reproduction, but it's as close as we can get while she's still employed by the United Nations. Or until such time as naked screaming becomes fashionable again.
As a bonus, watching the movie exempts you from reading the poem in an English class. It's true! Clip this out and give it to your teacher as proof. Even reading this review is enough to cut you some slack with the poem, letting you just read the good parts about the disembowelings.
So, on my medieval scale of 1 to 88 stars, with 15 being "good" and 87 being one shy of 88, I give this film two mugs of mead, the slain body of our enemy, and a computer-generated sex scene between two copies of Angelina Jolie.
Much like 300, large portions of the movie have been digitally created. Except Beo (as the cool kids will surely call it) takes the added step of digitizing the actors. Sure, this brings them creepily close to the Uncanny Valley, wherein almost-human creations are so close to humanity that their faults become exaggerated to the point of eeriness. But ignore those dead eyes and read on. The man behind them is none other than Robert Zemeckis, whose animated Polar Express certainly didn't give any children deep-rooted psychological problems.
Unlike other retreads of the source material, this one is, oddly-enough, not set in a "techno-futile world." Rather, it's the dark ages, and the Danes are up against the monster Grendel, and his mother, Angelina Jolie, who is really taking this adoption thing way too far. Grendel is played by Crispin Glover, which is a bit much, since merely casting Crispin Glover makes your villain plenty scary right there. Grendel's mommy likes to prance around nude in gold paint and stripper heels, which don't seem to be the best choice for mortal combat, but hey, times were different in ye olden days.
Beowulf is a very manly hero. Well, as manly as you can be fighting a girl. You can tell he's manly, because he does manly things, like yelling his name repeatedly ("I... am... Beowulf!") just in case you forgot who he was, therefore reminding you of his Shatneresque manliness. You know, just in case you happen to have heard about this manly guy named Beowulf, and need your memory jogged indirectly when you realize it's this guy. (It's him. HE'S BEOWULF.)
Taking a cue from 300, many other things are screamed in an important manner as well. Historical records show that, in the past, screaming was more culturally acceptable than it is today. Evidence comes in the form of the original, screamed Gettysburg Address, delivered by a half-nude Abraham Lincoln.
So, is it worth watching? Duh! Did you read about the nekkid Angelina Jolie? Granted, it's a computer reproduction, but it's as close as we can get while she's still employed by the United Nations. Or until such time as naked screaming becomes fashionable again.
As a bonus, watching the movie exempts you from reading the poem in an English class. It's true! Clip this out and give it to your teacher as proof. Even reading this review is enough to cut you some slack with the poem, letting you just read the good parts about the disembowelings.
So, on my medieval scale of 1 to 88 stars, with 15 being "good" and 87 being one shy of 88, I give this film two mugs of mead, the slain body of our enemy, and a computer-generated sex scene between two copies of Angelina Jolie.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Completely Useless Movie Previews: Lions for Lambs
It has been far too long since I, your author, have granted you assistance in deciding whether a film is worthy of your attention and debit card. Fear not! As part of my vow to entertain you while television falters under the crushing duress of labor protests, I am redoubling my efforts to keep you amused. So, Lions for Lambs. As usual, I am only using the film's trailer to inform me about its contents. Until such time as I am invited to press screenings, suck it up and deal.
Lions for Lambs is not, as the title would imply, either a film version of Edward Hicks' Peaceable Kingdom paintings, nor is it about the diet of a safari party. Rather, it stars Tom Cruise as a guy in a suit, which only happens in every other Tom Cruise movie. He says Important Things(tm), and says them loudly. Sometimes he'll bang his fist. Other people in suits stare intently. He ain't gettin' away with those words!
Oh yawn. By now we're all sick of Tom Cruise. I couldn't even make it through the trailer. Tell you what, let's start over and review Fred Claus, okay?
Now. Fred Claus is the story of Santa's hedonistic brother. Of course, Fred is jealous of the attention Santa gets. I blame his parents. If they're creative enough to name one child "Santa," where do they get off dropping the Fred-bomb on the other? They could have called him "Dewdrop" or "Rambo" or "Darth Vader." Those are names that predestine someone!
The plot involves Fred needing to borrow money from brother Santa to pay off gambling debts. It's a touching, heartwarming story of what happens when elves don't pay up, and how eventually they can only wish that one among them was indeed a dentist. Now, I know nothing else about the film, but let me wildly speculate that somehow Santa winds up in trouble, and Fred saves the day, healing their relationship for all eternity. They they wrestle in a manly, heterosexual manner to seal their mutual respect, and crack open a six-pack.
It must be tough to live in the shadow of a more successful sibling. But we've mined this material before. If the writers were really creative, they'd make a sequel where Fred and Santa discover a long-lost third brother- Jesus? Lincoln? Macho Man Randy Savage?
As it stands, this movie looks like it lacks creativity. It's Elf knocked up by any other Vince Vaughn film, and left abandoned on the curbside, where it was bitten by a spider infected with Bad Santa.
Still, it's not Lions for Lambs! It's completely devoid of Tom Cruise! Due to this fact alone, I'm giving it, on my patented scale of 1 through 88 stars, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, and two-and-a-half golden rings. It's got moxie, pluck, and spunk, and someday, science willing, there'll be a cure for that.
And what the fuck is up with Christmas movies being released this early, without the benefit of a Halloween tie-in?!
Lions for Lambs is not, as the title would imply, either a film version of Edward Hicks' Peaceable Kingdom paintings, nor is it about the diet of a safari party. Rather, it stars Tom Cruise as a guy in a suit, which only happens in every other Tom Cruise movie. He says Important Things(tm), and says them loudly. Sometimes he'll bang his fist. Other people in suits stare intently. He ain't gettin' away with those words!
Oh yawn. By now we're all sick of Tom Cruise. I couldn't even make it through the trailer. Tell you what, let's start over and review Fred Claus, okay?
Now. Fred Claus is the story of Santa's hedonistic brother. Of course, Fred is jealous of the attention Santa gets. I blame his parents. If they're creative enough to name one child "Santa," where do they get off dropping the Fred-bomb on the other? They could have called him "Dewdrop" or "Rambo" or "Darth Vader." Those are names that predestine someone!
The plot involves Fred needing to borrow money from brother Santa to pay off gambling debts. It's a touching, heartwarming story of what happens when elves don't pay up, and how eventually they can only wish that one among them was indeed a dentist. Now, I know nothing else about the film, but let me wildly speculate that somehow Santa winds up in trouble, and Fred saves the day, healing their relationship for all eternity. They they wrestle in a manly, heterosexual manner to seal their mutual respect, and crack open a six-pack.
It must be tough to live in the shadow of a more successful sibling. But we've mined this material before. If the writers were really creative, they'd make a sequel where Fred and Santa discover a long-lost third brother- Jesus? Lincoln? Macho Man Randy Savage?
As it stands, this movie looks like it lacks creativity. It's Elf knocked up by any other Vince Vaughn film, and left abandoned on the curbside, where it was bitten by a spider infected with Bad Santa.
Still, it's not Lions for Lambs! It's completely devoid of Tom Cruise! Due to this fact alone, I'm giving it, on my patented scale of 1 through 88 stars, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, and two-and-a-half golden rings. It's got moxie, pluck, and spunk, and someday, science willing, there'll be a cure for that.
And what the fuck is up with Christmas movies being released this early, without the benefit of a Halloween tie-in?!
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