Completely Useless Movie Previews: Who's Your Caddy?

Friends, Romans, gentle readers. Lend me your ears, er, eyes, and I will speak sooth to you about the Megacomedy of the Century, one which will define movie hilarity for decades to come. And when its rebroadcast on HBO eventually travels deep enough into space for sentient life to observe it, they will fall upon their tentacle knees and weep, for they will deem us muchly advanced in comparison to their puny, techno-futile civilization.

I speak, of course, about reruns of Caddyshack. But let's also give a little look at Who's Your Caddy?, the most blatant unauthorized rip-off in the slob-golf genre since Caddyshack II: The Disemboweling. Once more, I shall use only the knowledge garnered from the film's trailer to tell you everything you need to know about it. It's like seeing it in person, only at the absolute bestest theater in the world- my head! Sit back, enjoy. Just don't spill your drink everywhere, it makes my eyes watery.

Very little is known about Who's Your Caddy?. It's a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, deep-fried in regret, with an embarrassment dipping-sauce. Antwan "Big Boi" Patton, a hip-hop star who wants the world to know he can wear big kids' pants now, plays C-Note, a hip-hop star who's comfortable about his potty-training. Jeffrey "I Can't Believe He's Employed" Jones plays the guy who you thought you'd seen the last of in his mug shot. Can this mismatched pair of ne'er-do-well gadabouts and raconteurs find love against the backdrop of a country club? No? Okay, can they film a cheap race comedy together? Really? Do they have to?

So anyway. C-Note wants to play golf. Whitey McCrackerpreppy and the stodgy country club elite don't want him to, fearing their home away from the Bahamas will be torn asunder under the pimped-out Humvees of C-Note and his crew. Will zaniness and wacky antics ensue? Can you hear Rodney Dangerfield rolling over in his grave? Seriously, he gets no respect.

Still, it's going to rock. You know why? Because the plant who posted a review over on the iMDB says so!

"People were laughing so hard you could barely hear the dialogue! There is one scene with Faizon (I won't spoil it for you) that had some people on the floor and some standing UP clapping and screaming with laughter. It was a HOOT! I'm going to see it again with all my friends on the 27th when it opens, it'll be even better with everything finished since in the test screening it wasn't complete. I'm telling you EVERYONE in that audience LOVED it! Some people were saying it was the best comedy they'd seen all year! Don't miss it if you love to laugh!"

Since I've only seen the trailer, and this producer average fan has seen the entire film, who am I to argue? I defer to his superior knowledge of the movie and its potential HOOT-iness, and will go out on a limb and say that EVERYONE will LOVE it. That elderly man standing outside, who's muttering about the rampant profanity? He loved it. That social organization shaking its head in disgust at race relations being set back twenty years? It made them cream their shorts. The desperate pleadings of Chevy Chase not to ruin his last remaining legacy? All an act. Trust me, Who's Your Caddy? will make you stop and really, really think about who the real caddy is in your life. And that maybe you should buy him or her some flowers and a nice steak. And for God's sake, shave. Didn't your mother teach you anything?

So, with all of that in mind, I have no choice but to give Who's Your Caddy? 88 stars on my scale of 1 to 88 stars, along with a small patch of astroturf and a pair of those ugly plaid pants that people think it's okay to wear when they're golfing. (It isn't.) You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll wonder why this version doesn't have Bill Murray wrestling a gopher. Or maybe it does? And the gopher speaks jive and wears bling? Go see it and let me know.

Captivity: Is Torture-Porn Dead?

Based on the poor box-office performance of Hostel 2 and Captivity, pundits everywhere are cheering at the death of the "torture-porn" subgenre of horror. Because of this, expectations and marketing for Saw IV are being cut back, and numerous other torture-porn films that were in the pipeline are being canceled.

So is torture-porn dead? I beg to differ. A quick look around the web at porn sites (and yes, I look a lot) shows the genre to be thriving. I think it's more a case of the same things that have slowed ticket sales industry-wide. I mean, who wants to pay $20 to sit in a cramped seat, listening to people cough and talk while you're trying to observe someone's head being slowly crushed! Seriously! Pipe down, you clod, we're trying to watch hot metal pincers rip out someone's vajayjay, and you're totally spoiling the mood! And the price of popcorn? That's more painful than what those incestuous mutants onscreen are doing to those men.

It could also be a case of "why buy the cow when you've got a hemophiliac virgin hanging upside down in the basement at home to slaughter, anyway?" If the popularity of torture-porn on the internet is any indication, people probably have their own victims tied up in lethal predicaments being filmed right in their own homes. Those poor souls are likely trapped in situations that are much more creative and messy than anything Hollywood could cook up in their ivory towers, far-removed from the streetwalkers you and I are abducting.

So, is torture-porn dead? No, it may be in a slump, and seemingly redundant and stagnant when compared to the many instruments of suffering its audience employs on a nightly basis on wayward Czech tourists. But all it needs is new innovation (can you say, "giant flaming corpse blender"?) to capture people's imagination, and it'll come staggering right back to the top, oozing putrid diseased lymphatic fluid to and fro, until it collapses and is devoured by rats.

Posh & Becks: What Do They Want From Us?

Posh & Becks are relocating to America! What? You have no idea who this famed British duo are? Not to be confused with other great Brit pairings such as "fish & chips", "bangers & mash", and "drawing & quartering", Posh & Becks are Britain's national supercouple. You can tell this, because they both have full sets of teeth, something to which all Britons aspire in their wet dreams.

To prepare you for their arrival, and inform you about critical things you'll need to know now that our country has been Forever Changed, I now present the Top 10 Facts About Posh & Becks.

1. David and Victoria Beckham come from a distant galaxy far, far away. Their mission? To drape their scantly-clad bodies across tabloids on every planet. And devour us from the insides to harvest our precious tungsten.

2. You may be familiar with the "Beckham" name from Bend it Like Beckham. David has the ability to bite down on steel girders and twist them like pretzels, using only his mouth and the power of his ego.

3. Victoria used to be one of the Spice Girls. She was "Implanty Spice."

4. David used to play football for Real Madrid. They should not be confused with their bizarro mortal arch-enemies, Fake Madrid.

5. The Beckhams are known for their ever-changing hairstyles and appearances. They can do this, because they are shapeshifters.

6. Like all immigrants, the pair will sail to Ellis Island, where they will be given new, Americanized names- Bob and Ann K-Mart.

7. The duo celebrated their move to America by doing a semi-nude photo shoot in W Magazine. This is the official magazine of George W. Bush, who thought the pair were lesbians.

8. Victoria recently announced her intent to reform the Spice Girls. This will make it easier to kill the others, for there can be only one.

9. Victoria goes by the nickname "Posh" not because of her Spice Girl persona, but because "posh" is the street name of the drug she snorts to remain thin.

10. Both Beckhams can combine to form a thirty-foot tall metal fighting machine whose only weakness is a direct hit to the crotch.

Now you know! And knowing is half the battle. The other half is vicious hand-to-tentacle combat in the streets, where our country's independence from Euro-trash celebricouples will be won or lost amidst the cries of our children and the blood of the damned.

The Metric Chachi

There's always room for one more standard of measure. Take, for instance, the smoot, a measure of length available on both the Longfellow Bridge and Google Earth.

It occurred to me that we, as a society, have no exact unit to measure the success of a television spin-off.

Proposed: I am suggesting the creation of the Chachi, a unit for measuring how successful a spin-off is in comparison with Joanie Loves Chachi.

JLC technically ran for two seasons between 1982 and 1983. The series was a midseason replacement that debuted in March, and then came back the next fall and ran on and off until the following spring. Thus there were only seventeen episodes.

The length of time that JLC aired is hereby equal to one Chachi (Ch).

Now, to measure in seasons or episodes? This is where it gets complicated. I propose that the measurement of Chachis in seasons shall be the Imperial Chachi (ICh), and the measurement in episodes will be the Metric Chachi (MCh).

Thus. Say a spin-off of Veronica Mars is created. This hypothetical series, called AfterMARS and following Veronica as she graduates med school and time-travels to work in a VA hospital shortly after the Korean War, runs on the CW network for two full seasons of 24 episodes each. AfterMARS's success could be measured as 1 Imperial Chachi, or 2.8 Metric Chachis.

The Jeffersons ran for 11 seasons for a total of 253 episodes. Thus it scores 5.5 ICh and 14.88 MCh.

The longer a series runs, the closer it gets to a hypothetical value of Absolute Chachi, an airing of infinite seasons. The most successful spin-off ever, and the closest mankind has been able to observe a series approaching Absolute Chachi, is The Simpsons, which is a spin-off of The Traci Ullman Show. At 18 seasons (401 episodes) and counting, it rates an astounding 9 ICh and 33.42 MCh!

Other spin-off values:
Frasier: 11 seasons, 264 episodes = 5.5 ICh (15.53 MCh)
Angel: 5 seasons, 110 episodes = 2.5 ICh (6.47 MCh)
AfterMASH: 2 seasons, 30 episodes = 1 ICh (1.76 MCh)
Joey: 2 seasons, 46 episodes = 1 ICh (2.76 MCh)
Law & Order: SVU: 8 seasons, 183 episodes (through today) = Minimum Chachi Value* of 4 ICh (10.76 MCh)
Law & Order: Criminal Intent: 6 seasons, 133 episodes (through today) = Minimum Chachi Value* of 3 ICh (7.65 MCh)
Law & order: Trial by Jury: 1 season, 13 episodes = .5 ICh (.76 MCh)

* A series still airing cannot be measured exactly. We can only observe it along a path towards Absolute Chachi, and estimate a Minimum Value of Chachi, which we know it cannot score below. Only after it is canceled can we tally an exact Chachi measurement.

There. Go now and use my creation for good.

Completely Usless Movie Previews: Harry Potter and the Lord of the Dance

Once again, for your infotainment, I present a hard-hitting review of a film I've yet to (and most likely, won't) see, based upon the knowledge garnered only from commercials and trailers. Rumor has it that a new Harry Potter film is coming up, and gosh darn it, you should know about it!

Harry Potter and the Chamber of the Order of the Half-Blood Sandwiches or something places now thirty-seven year old Harry in what must be his twentieth year at Hogwart's, a school that should really ask its PR department about a renaming initiative. Harry faces off against his old foe Bat-Boy, who you may remember from The Weekly World News. Bat Boy is really miffed that infant Harry and his parents sabotaged his previous attempts at world domination, and now he's back for vengeance. And this time, it's for profit!

It's no secret Harry has to live through the movie. For one, most of you read the book when it came out years ago, and already know. Also, there are two books after the one that inspired this film, and if Harry's going to be in the movies inspired by those films, then he'd best survive! But maybe there's a twist. Nobody's done anything with the idea of clones, replicants, or having the hero rebuilt as an evil cyborg, have they? Oh. Damn. Well, I'm sure they could think of something...

Anyway. I'm going to let you in on a big secret. See, this particular book/movie/merchandising scheme is crucial to the series, as a pivotal event happens here that changes how you'll think of what's transpired so far, and what is to come. If you don't want the movie spoiled for you, turn away now, scroll down, and then continue reading.

Harry finds out is parents were huge MASH fans, and named him after actor Harry Morgan, and his character, Col. Sherman Potter!

THERE. You can psychically know now to stop scrolling and pick up reading again.

What else happens? I hear Harry gets his nude on and sleeps with a horse. This isn't just idle gossip, I've seen pictures to back it up! Hermione finally offs herself after severe teasing over the name "Hermione." The One Ring is finally returned to Crack of Doom. Draco and Harry have hot, hot fanfic action, making creative use of their wands. The Ministry of Magic tries to take over the school. Snape inexplicably goes around acting like Alan Rickman.

Make no bones about it, Harry Potter and the Temple of the Attack of the Prisoner of the Romancing of the Stone will have plenty of stupid made-up words, animals that turn into other things, vibrating broomsticks, and obscure plot points pulled out of J.R. Rowling's ass. Most of this you can expect to be stolen and included in any sequel to Eragon, so if you miss it here, fear not. And why wouldn't you miss it, when I've so cleverly laid out everything that will transpire in the film?

So. On my enchanted scale of 1 to 88 stars, with 1 being a muggle and 65 or higher being worthy of a scraggly grey beard, I give Harry Potter and the Goblet of Deathly Sorcerers Strikes Back a "Can Miss" and nine and 3/4 owl droppings.