The Juice Isn't Loose Anymore

Ah, it feels like old times. Back in New England again, turning on the TV, and- what's this? Another OJ perp walk? It's just like 1995 again, only I have less hair!

Now I have to wonder who all will be back for the reunion tour. Kato is out, as I'm sure he's moved on to bigger and better things, and it would be a stretch to figure out how to involve him in the plot this time. Some of the Dream Team have died, so they'll either be replaced by lookalikes or CGI. Johnny Cochran, for instance, will be done by the same motion-capture guy who played Gollum in the Lord of the Rings films.

This time out, things will have to be slightly different, but still largely follow the same formula. Maybe next season, OJ can break back into prison, but this year let's not rock the boat too much. Episode II: Electric Boogaloo will instead involve boots that don't fit properly, a small green alien that only OJ can see and hear, and an American Idol-style competition to find the Next Big Judge Ito Dancer. Due to environmental considerations, the slow Bronco chase will now be performed in a Prius.

Thanks to the internet, this time out we can conduct live polling on IsOJGuilty.Com, watch streaming video on WatchOJFry.Com, and learn about the care and feeding of your own OJ on WhatOJsEat.com. You can friend OJ on MySpace and read his confessional "If I Did It" blog. Just be careful, he might try to kill you.

And so. It begins. Remember, we're just days into what promises to be months of speculation-fueled media frenzy. Savor it. If he goes away for thirty years, it's going to be an awfully long time before we're treated to another trial.