Harry Potter and the Horse of Ill Repute

Oh, Daniel Radcliffe. All grown up and doing your very first naked horse-sex play. Cherish this time, Danny, when the world was new, and horse-sex was still fresh and exciting. It will get tiresome after a while, and you'll grow jaded and move on to porcupines. But it won't be the same. Cherish, Danny, cherish.

So Radcliffe has taken a role in Equus, playing a horse-fetishizing, hairy-tummied stableboy. We're not sure if this is a break from Harry Potter, since we've never seen Harry's tummy. Middle America (in the western hemisphere of Middle Earth) is shocked and appalled that he'd do such a thing. That's the sort of behavior that you keep on the down-low, behind the barn.

I see one flaw in this play. The horse is pretty much a silent partner in all of this. Granted, in general porn dialogue leaves something to be desired (even if all other desires are fulfilled) but I'd think it'd be creepy for one half of the pairing to be totally silent, not even a whinny of approval.

The only way to solve this is to recruit Mr. Ed.

Ed, if I may call him by his first name, could infuse the character of the horse with real gravitas, pathos, and his famous catchphrase, "WILLLLLLBURRRRRRRRRR!"

And that wouldn't distract from the story at all.

Maybe throw in some hobbit sex, too. Know your audience, Danny.