Completely Useless Movie Previews: Ghost Rider

I have heard your outcry, and decided to give you more of what you want. Heading into this all important blockbuster spring "would-never-succeed-in-the-summer" movie dumping time, you need to know what movies are worth seeing, based on the random guesses of someone totally unfamiliar with the films.

I give you Ghost Rider.

Ghost Rider is apparently the older brother of Speed Racer. By day, he's Nicolas Cage, who is really Nicolas Coppola, but I digress. Ghost Rider, you would think, would be preordained by the name his mother gave him to become some sort of friendly ghost like Casper. Instead his toupee catches fire every night and he rides really fast on a motorcycle in an effort to put out the flames. From what I can tell, this has little effect. Maybe he should keep a fire extinguisher handy, or see a doctor about that?

One clip I saw had Ghost going to a strip-mall accountant to do his taxes. Oh wait, that was a commercial? Man, Ghost is already slumming, and his movie hasn't even come out yet! That's not a good sign. He should really be aiming for those Target ads with the spinning red and white things. Those are classy.

Anyway, Ghost rides around on his bike, his head on fire and the bike itself emitting noxious fumes that would probably bar it from being licensed in California. So the movie doesn't take place in California. Good to know. There are lots of trees around. Does Ghost find excitement and intrigue in Michigan? Who knows? Do you want to pay $11 to find out? Good for you!

I just made a typo and called him "Gjost". I think I'll stick with that spelling. It makes him sound Icelandic, like Bjork. Or Gjost could be his visiting cousin from Scandinavia, and they can have zany Perfect Strangers-style misadventures when Gjost comes to visit. They can be identical cousins and try to trick Ghost's parents into reuniting! Hey, Nicolas! I have a sequel idea for you. Yes, your wig can be even more stupid-looking the second time around. Does Donald Trump have a patent on his hairstyle?

I'm sure Ghost has some sort of archnemesis he must face, but since he or she doesn't appear in any of the commercials, I'm not familiar with them. He probably has to face down a state trooper for a littering fine, or apologize to a little girl after he runs over her puppy on the way to Taco Bell. There's another crossover ad campaign, as Ghost reimburses her for her loss with a three-taco meal deal (crunchy). It could be that talking chihuahua they used to have. They never explained where he went. Was he deported?

On my Mexican-assembled sliding scale of 1 through 88 stars, I give Ghost Rider a three-taco meal deal (crunchy), an extra packet of hot sauce, and a mega-size Mountain Dew to help quench those flames. Pull around to the second window, Mr. Rider, and try not to ignite the speaker box. Timmy just got that thing working again.