Grasping the Obvious

Having failed to pay a $208 bill on her storage unit, Paris Hilton's belongings in it were auctioned off and fell into the hands of infamous celeb sex tape collector David Hans Schmidt, who immediately put them up on the internet to view for a fee. Schmidt is the man you have to thank for the release of Screech's Dirty Sanchez movie.

Of course, only one person has to pay the fee, see the content, steal the content, and repost it. Thank you, anonymous Good Samaritan.

Among the items now available for public viewing are medical records detailing miscarriages and herpes treatments, numerous collages of herself she crafted from tabloid photos, fake ID's from Ohio identifying her as "Amber Taylor" and "Superstar," diaries of her booze and pot hallucinations, and porn videos filmed by the creator of Girls Gone Wild. In one, she declares herself, "the hottest person alive."

And Pauly Shore's cell phone number scrawled on a dirty napkin?!

Oh, Paris.

Well, I guess that's it. Now my eyes are open. You really are a Britney-class skank, and not the sweet, innocent, herpes-free virgin I thought I knew. That's why I have no other choice but to take down my website, ParisIsntASkankySlutAssHoBag.com. All these years I convinced myself that it was someone else in that grainy, night-vision footage, wasted! My sympathy for her in her feud against Tara Reid? Completely obliterated by the new video of the two of them snorting coke of a fat guy's belly! I'm beginning to suspect that her feud with Nicole Richie was faked for publicity too!

Oh well. For the time being, I can keep up my other site, MotherTeresaIsntASkankySlutAssHoBag.org, unless there's something I haven't been told yet.